When Margo and Jeff leave the auction, Margo opens the passenger door for Jeff, who still has Darwin cradled in his arms. Of course Margo is driving; pregnant women make great designated drivers, as long as they can still slide between the seat and the wheel. Jeff would hear nothing about putting Darwin in one of the crates in the trunk; they were becoming fast buddies. Margo buckles her seat belt and then looks at Darwin snuggled in Jeff’s lap. Seeing Margo, she buries her head under Jeff’s arm. “She’s mad at me because I cut off her leg – oh, and I took away her reproductive rights, too.”
“Don’t be silly, how could she know?” says Jeff. Margo is constantly amazed at how little credit people give their pets. “At any rate, she will forgive you once she sees your better nature.”
The second they walk in the door, Budweiser knows a stranger’s entered his territory. He runs up to Jeff and starts to howl. Darwin looks down at him and gives him her most ferocious sneer, causing Bud to jump back and yelp, as if he’d been slashed. Margo hurriedly moves Budweiser into the den and closes the door as Bud starts to whimper, then howl. “Budweiser, calm down” Margo says, cracking the door and peering in. “Sounds like he’s been stabbed! So much for waiting until the morning to tell the kids. “
Suzy, the babysitter, dashes to the commotion from her spot at dining room table and stops way short of Jeff and Darwin, as if it isn’t safe to approach.
Suzy started babysitting for Jeff and Margo when she was 16 and now that she’s 21, she still does, mainly because she adores the kids and now that they are older, she does school work while they watch a movie or play by themselves. She relaxes at Jeff and Margo’s house, so different from her parents’ house where a magazine shoot could happen at any time. Jeff and Margo act like the big brother and sister that she never had. And, they, along with Judge Gina, dug her out of trouble a few times when she was 16 and 17, never telling her parents, never lecturing her or deciding she couldn’t be trusted with their children. Perhaps they blackmailed her a few times, but that was mostly (she thinks….) in fun. If her parents had found out about half of it, they would have tried to ground her for life. Judge Keller, she was pretty sure, also helped her get accepted into Stanford Law School and she sure hoped Judge Keller or Mr. Keller would continue to provide some pretty top tier tutoring services.
“Welcome home??? And, who is this???” Suzy asks while slowly shuffling towards Jeff, Darwin staring intently at her approach.
“This is Darwin, Budweiser’s best new girlfriend. He just doesn’t know it yet,” says Jeff.
“Well finally the girls and boys will be even around here. I look forward to getting to know you Miss Darwin,” Suzy says while giving Darwin a little scratch behind her ears, now that they’ve become better acquainted. “The kids have been in bed for about twenty minutes, so they are probably still reading. “
“And no doubt they are now awake,” adds Jeff.
Margo pays the sitter while Jeff puts Darwin in a blanket, grabs a carrier from a closet and goes into the garage. Margo then lets Budweiser out, who immediately goes to the garage door and starts yelping it up again. When Jeff comes out of the garage a minute later, they both just about drag him up the stairs, deciding that separate floors will be a good idea for the night. They shove him in their room. Then, they diverge to say good night to the kids, with Margo heading to Austin’s room and Jeff heading for Astrid’s room, as per their daily rotation.
Hearing his parents thumping up the stairs, Austin quickly shoves the video game came under the covers by this feet, away from the side where his parents normally sit. When his mother enters, he is sitting up in bed, and quickly starts the conversation, in hopes of distracting her from the lump at this fee. “What’s wrong with Budweiser?” he asks.
“Oh, he just saw his future and he is a bit traumatized by it right now. He’ll be OK in a month. Margo sits on the side of the bed and swipes back Austin’s bangs. “I thought we might read an excerpt from “The Federalists’ Papers” tonight. “
Austin gives his mom a quizzical look, thinking mom is just being weird again. Mainly, though he just doesn’t want her to notice the lump – and my god, some of its lights are glowing a bit through the covers. “Can’t you just read me Green Eggs and Ham? And, read it like Dad.”
“I think you are getting a little old for that now. And Dad is reading to Astrid tonight,” says Margo. Clearly, Austin prefers Dad and doesn’t hide it very well. Once, it bothered Margo, now she tells herself just be happy Jeff is so involved with the children.
“Astrid always gets Dad! And when we get our little brother or sister, if you are reading to me and Dad is reading to Astrid, who will read to Tinker Bell?”
“Oh my God! By the time we have the baby, you should be reading on your own.” This reminds Margo that she did have another subject to cover with him. “Did you tell your sister she would be sleeping in the garage with Bud?”
“Well, I’m older, so I should get to keep my own room. And, I know you won’t put the baby in the garage.”
Margo hugs him and kisses him on the head, wondering if perhaps the ole bitty Andrews was right about a few things. Clearly, she would need to be more careful with her humor. “When I said you would be sleeping in the garage, that was a joke, honey. Nobody is going to be sleeping in the garage with Bud. “
“I thought it was a really cool idea, though. Bud would protect Tinker from anything, even tigers. “
“Your dad and I will protect everyone. Now, why don’t you read Peter Pan to me. But remember, you really do need to grow up.”
In Astrid’s room, a similar, but different conversation is going on.
“What’s wrong with Budweiser?” Astrid asks.
“He’s just seen his future, honey, and he is hollering for joy,“ Jeff replies.
“Kind of like crying when you are happy? “
“Yes, exactly like that.”
Astrid throws her arms around her dad’s neck and gives him a big kiss on the check. Then backs away and asks, “Dad, what is an airhead?”
“Astrid, honey, where did you hear that word, from your brother? “
“No, the kids at the playground call me that. I think it is because I don’t have real laces on my shoes. All the rest of the kids tie their shoe laces now.”
Jeff tried to teach Astrid how to tie her shoes, but gave up a few months ago, figuring the coordination just wasn’t there yet. All kids develop at different rates, so he hadn’t been concerned over it and frankly had rather forgotten about it. Besides, what is wrong with the no lace ties? Seemed like a good improvement to him. Just thread the rubber bands through the holes and bingo. One brand was called Hickies, and that would obviously never be appropriate. But, then he found Erkies and liked them so much he had placed them on some of his own running shoes. But, rites of passage must be followed, if only for playground points. “ That’s OK pumpkin, tomorrow we’ll work on that again. I promise you you’ll get this down. Millions of kids all over the world learn to tie their shoes and so will you. Now can you tell me what is larger, a car or a truck?”
Astrid gives her father a grin, thinking this is a fun game. “Austin tells me that is a trick question and I should not be too quick to answer it. “
“How is that a trick question?”
“Well there are little trucks and big cars and then they might be asking about toy trucks and cars, so it is tricky.”
Jeff feels relieved by this answer. Maybe she’s more developed than the last time he checked. “Oh, honey. The teachers are not trying to trick you. You can just answer the question. “
“OK, cars”.
Maybe not.
After putting the children to bed, Jeff and Margo perform their ritual beverage hoist while reviewing the day. Most often, it is just water or tea, with special occasions calling for a glass of champagne or an after dinner drink. Tonight, with the addition of a new family member, Jeff decides it is a special occasion, even though he’s had more than a few cocktails tonight. He pours himself a glass of champagne and a diet ginger ale in a champagne flute for his pregnant wife. After placing the drinks on the table downstairs, he goes back upstairs and moves Budweiser into Austin’s bedroom. Budweiser is much calmer when he’s watching over the children, as that is his job.
Returning downstairs, Jeff immediately retrieves Darwin from the garage. Appreciative, Darwin immediately starts to purr and settles right into Jeff’s his lap when he sits on the couch next to Margo. Taking a look at Darwin, Jeff thinks this is no feral animal. Looking up at his wife, he sees her eyes wide with astonishment. “Look at this!” Margo says poking the marketing evidence in his face. “ I think Dr. Hudini is implanting extra limbs in humans! This is extraordinary!”
Too tired for games and obviously annoyed, Jeff says, “Very funny Margo. You need to start drinking again.”
“I am not kidding, look at it!”
Jeff studies a few of the pictures that clearly show children and animals with various limbs. “You must be confused. This is more like a gathering of circus freaks. I bet if we keep looking there will be a two headed lion.”
Margo grabs the pamphlet back and turns to an inner page. “Look at this diagram. It certainly implies what I am saying,” says Margo showing a diagram depicting arrows pointing to potential locations of limbs. “I am pretty certain – that is what he is doing.” She raises her eyebrows and looks into Jeff’s scowl. “Just think about all the times an extra hand would be helpful. I would use it all the time in surgery. “
“I can barely control my two arms. Not sure how I’d control another, “Jeff replies while flopping his arms around, making sure to brush Margo’s breasts with each spasmodic jerk. Darwin lifts her head, nonplused by all this action, but does not move.
Margo bats his arms away. “Really, it’s probably like learning to speak a foreign language. As long as you start young, it becomes second nature. “
Jeff looks at the brochure again. “I can see how it would be useful around the house and in construction, but not sure how it would help me as an engineer.”
“I’m sure you’d find myriad ways. Even if not in engineering, it helps with everything else, giving you more time to be an engineer. And maybe it would help you compete with those Indians and Chinese. At any rate, we need to check this out. “
Jeff gives Margo the “are you fucking kidding me” look with shoulders hunched and eyes squinted.
“I have a medical curiosity,” Margo replies to that look. “Besides, if he can do all of this, imagine how easily he could fix the cheap gene. So, I am going to call him and visit. And, you should come, too. I’ll call first thing in the morning.”
Margo tries to pick up Darwin from Jeff’s lap, looking for a little love, but Darwin hisses at her.
“Hey! How long are you going to stay mad at me?” Margo asks Darwin, but then she decides to leave the cat alone for the night. She’ll check the surgical wounds for infections in the morning.
The next morning, Jeff owns the kitchen, as always on Saturday mornings. After preparing everything for the cheesy scramble, he grabs Darwin from her cage. She nestles into his neck, happy to be returned to her favorite spot. Way too soon for Darwin, the kids flop down the steps with their mother and Budweiser in tow. Astrid sees the cat in her dad’s arms first and zooms right up to investigate. “Look Austin, a cat! Can I hold her?” Carefully, Jeff releases Darwin from his neck and hands her over to Astrid.
“This is Darwin. Now be gentle with her. Your mother just operated on her. Hold her like this,” Jeff says while demonstrating how to cradle the cat in the basket formed by bending both elbows and overlapping the forearms. Astrid fold her arms and Jeff places Darwin within the cradle. Immediately, Darwin starts to purr. This is one smart cat, thinks Margo.
“Look,” Astrid yelps. “Darwin only has 3 legs, how cool is that! “
Austin hovers over the cat to investigate the 3 legs. “Mom, did you remove that leg?”
“Yes, Austin. I sure did. It was totally mangled, probably caught in a trap of some sort. There was no way to save it. But, she’ll be very happy with 3 legs.”
Astrid looks up with her huge dark eyes. “Do we get to keep her, Mom?”
“If she and Budweiser get along. “
“Are you afraid the kids will make fun of you for having a handicapped cat?” Jeff asks looking the two kids.
“No, why would they do that? If they did I wouldn’t care! I love her!” Astrid yelps without taking her eyes off the cat.
“Ok, but if a teacher asks you how many legs a cat has, the answer is still 4, OK?” Jeff says.
Astrid looks at her dad, huffs and says “Of course I know that, but I should be able to tell them my cat only has 3 legs.”
Jeff seems satisfied that she won’t think it is a trick question. Turning to Austin, he asks, “Austin, what do think? Will kids will make fun of her or you? “
Austin stands a bit taller, strokes Darwin and says, “That would just be stupid of them. But what happens to her if she and Budweiser don’t get along?”
Jeff looks at Margo for help on this one. “We’ll just have to find a safer home for her, Austin,” Margo answers. Then turning to Jeff adds, “Maybe we could sell her to Dr. Hudini. He obviously wanted her. Oh, that reminds, I talked to him this morning and he said to come over anytime before noon. Let’s drop the kids off at your mom’s and get going.”