Genetics has long been used to improve the human condition
Hell and damnation only delay the inevitable
After an interesting year of delivering a baby where the Obgyn nearly faints, some of the staff refusing to touch “the devil child”, protesters gathering outside her home decrying the evils of DNA manipulation, and a tremendous increase in Margo’s veterinarian business due to all the press (yes, indeed, there is no such thing as bad press), it is time for the first birthday party.
“Bell” was placed on the birth certificate, but the name just would not stick, so the child is doomed to being called “Tinker”, slightly better than being called TB, according to her grandmother, Gina. It appears that Tinker will indeed become an athlete, as she sits in her high chair with 4 arms flaying, throwing cake in every direction – a Gatling gun of confection. Katrina, Candy’s 3-armed 1-year-old daughter, sits in a high chair next to Tinker Bell – batting the cake back at Tinker. Jeff looks at the two and decides that Tinker has the better arms, at this time. And, he knows you can tell these things at a very young age.
Gina, Candy and Margo stand a little behind the high chairs, holding up see-through plastic plates over their faces as shields.
Gina takes a look at the mess all over the floor, while ducking the latest foul ball from Katerina. “You know, you will have to kill them before they turn 2,” she tells Margo and Candy.
“No wonder you two are such good friends!” says Candy.
“Can’t we just try drugging them first?” asks Margo
“That might make them worse!” exclaims Gina. “Drugs often have the reverse effect on me, like sleeping pills make me very hyper. But I have a whole year to concoct a very special blend for your babies,” says Gina.
Along the far wall, the table has food with labels so guests can help themselves to Chihuahua burgers (really beef burgers), or Pickled Poodle Tongue (hot dogs split down the middle) and Tasty Poop Pops (long, thin strips of chicken fried to a dark, golden brown). Jim, the funny caterer, has shown up in full Abe Lincoln regalia again, and is putting out more food while chatting with Rachel.
Darwin is riding on top of Budweiser, steering him around the room like a cowboy on a horse. The two now have their own YouTube channel and Austin spends hours a day recording and uploading videos, sometimes with the help of Uncle Rob. His parents started to protest, but once they saw $10,000/month hitting his bank account, they decided to just let it go. The money could fund his and his sisters’ college and still leave plenty for other fun and games.
Rob shows up with Beth. He is now totally put together – nice clothes, great haircut and a couple of very nice bottles of chardonnay in his hands. Over the last year, he finally started listening to his mother – figuring he had nothing to lose by playing a cool dude role. Much to his surprise, women started noticing – fast, very fast. Not only the gals noticed, his bosses noticed, too; and he skyrocketed up the ranks. It didn’t take long before the act started to modify his DNA: now, he only drinks good to great wines, he wears Italian clothes and shoes, drives a red Ferrari and spends $120 on a haircut every three weeks. After six months of this success, he bumped into Beth in a wine tasting bar and asked her out. Much to everyone’s surprise, she agreed and they have been nearly inseparable ever since.
“Gina, I brought you a couple bottles of this delicious Hall Cabernet that Beth and I tried last weekend in Napa Valley. Now, please, please don’t tell her what a cretin I used to be.”
“Right, my baby boy. I’m sure she never noticed that you looked like an undercover cop playing a used car salesman – for years out of college.”
“You are too good to me, mom. And, Margo here is the birthday card for Tinker. You might want to put it someplace safe. There are lots of those creepy MAGA protesters on the sidewalk, God knows when they are going to storm your fortress.” Rob is referring to the Mother’s Against Generated Appendages who have gathered for the last year outside the homes of both Margo and Cindy. They are always clad in their red hats with the white MAGA letters and red T-shirts with a baby donning a devil’s tail.
“But, then what would they do, Rob,” asks Beth? “Kidnap the kids?”
“We are rather use to them now, they are harmless,” says Gina as she opens the card.
“What! Holy Shit! Rob, this is a check for $5000!”
“Rob, you really didn’t need to do this to make up for your what – 40 years of bad behavior?” asked Margo.
“Oh, I am afraid I did need to do it. You see, I cheated your children at poker for years. Took the money right out of their little hands, which came right out of your pocketbooks for years. Then, when Austin started making real money on the YouTube channel, I upped the ante. Plus, I understand I caused a bit of confusion by lying about Aces and Kings, which could really hurt them in a serious card game.”
“You managed to steal $5000 in pocket money from us and Austin, without us noticing???”
“No, really about $1500, but then I invested it in a company Jeff’s friend Anne started and it’s been very, very good to me. And not a bad return for you.”
Rachel comes over while Rob and Beth start circulating the room.
“Take a look at these two little nightmares,” says Rachel. “We need to throw them in the pool and see how they can swim with all those arms. “
“It might be the only way to clean them up, but remind me to not let you babysit!” says Margo.
“You have not heard me offer lately. I don’t think there are sufficient mind- altering drugs in the world, no offense to your fine stash Gina, to get me through an evening of this,” Rachel says, pointing to the floor with one hand and picking cake out of her hair with the other.
“You’ll find that vanilla frosting makes a fine hair conditioner,” says Candy.
Dr. Hudini comes in the door with Allison and a rather large gift.
“Did Allison come here with Dr. Hudini, or did they just happen to arrive at the same time?” asks Rachel.
“He and Allison have become quite good friends. We take care of all his pets and Allison runs his pet lab now. I think they spend considerable time together outside the office, too.”
Dr. Hudini leaves Allison at the food table and picks the safest, cake free route to approach Margo and the kids. “Happy Birthday to Bella and Katrina,” he says handing Margo the box. “And I see Darwin found herself 4 new limbs!” he says watching Bud and Darwin cruising around the room.
“Why thank you. This is very heavy! Yes, those two have a symbiotic relationship.”
“What’s in it for Bud? “asks Dr. Hudini.
“He’s become her guardian, his raison d’être. I think it’s love, actually. Have you seen their YouTube channel? They are total stars,” says Margo.
Margo opens up the gift, a margarita machine. “Ahhh, my savior. I thank you,” says Margo, bowing to the good doctor. “Not so sure my liver agrees.”
“Candy, I have one for you in the car, too. You gals are going to need it this next year. I’ll do the honors of making the first batch.” He returns to the door where he retrieves some bottles, waltzing around the piggy-back couple. Returning to the kitchen, he and Gina work on the batch of Margaritas. “It honestly appears that Darwin is steering Bud. Can that be true, Gina? I haven’t even dared to eat any of your brownies.”
Gina lets out a clacking chuckle and tells him that indeed that has been the case for a few months now. She takes him through the progression of the belly-rides, to the side saddle, to riding on top, followed by the steering by pulling at his fur. And, she lets him know it’s all recorded on Austin’s now famous YouTube Channel, sponsored by Purina.
Dr. Hudini and Gina pour the first batch of drinks into pitchers and deliver them around the room, ending back with Margo.
“I also had the pleasure of meeting your son, Rob, recently. I was quite surprised, stunned, as a matter of fact.”
Gina just raises her eyebrow slightly and tilts her head in wonderment.
“He is quite suave and articulate.”
“Oh, Gina,” Margo explains, “we had Rob at the top of an asshole list we gave to Raj last year. He has certainly changed since then.”
“That makes him even more interesting! A mutation at the age of 40! I really need some samples. Perhaps we can get some before and after,” says Raj.
Gina assures him that she could make that happen.
The doorbell rings and Anne enters, with Shaun in tow who is carrying a few packages. Since meeting at the boat a little over a year ago, Shaun became WellSpring’s, Anne’s company, chief banker and business advisor. His connections throughout the technical financing world brought hyper growth skills to the business, as well as funding to hire technical expertise in some very esoteric areas and money to fund a team of lawyers filing the patents that began to pour out of the talent caldron of their creative, way cool office pod. Success, as everyone knows, is fun.
In addition to help spur growth of the company, Shaun was able to spend lots of time with Anne. And, the more time they spent together, the more obvious it became that the fun was based on more than success. Being a bit more mature than “the kids” and much more secure in his career, Shaun promoted Anne’s image and her success. Very shortly, she would start showing up as one of the most influential young entrepreneurs in the country. This created great press, raising the awareness and status of the company. A beautiful, young woman on the front page of trade magazines turned lots of heads and opened lots of wallets.
Jeff heads over to greet them, wondering what is wrong with Anne’s left hand, as she is holding it out at a funny angle.
“Look who just got engaged!” Anne says, showing off a diamond the size of an African miner’s molar.
“Why Anne, how unPC of you!” says Jeff.
want all those young studs who flock around her to get the picture. Nothing subtle will work.”
“Big time congratulations to both of you. I am so glad that my near disaster turned brilliant marketing ploy had other, positive, unintended consequences. This does call from champagne.”
“We’ve come fully prepared for that!” she says pointing to a box by Shaun’s foot. “We also come seeking an adult to watch the development shop, Jeff. And, we can pay you real money now. Are you ready to leave the dark side? Let’s see, save Humanity”, she says holding one palm up at about should level. “Or build trampolines for rich people?” She holds up the other hand, the same way and struggles balancing the two, looking from one palm to the other.
“At the very least, Jeff, buy some stock. Best investment I’ve made in years – money and time.” Shaun says and gives the top of Anne’s head a kiss. “Even your brother bought some stock. Maybe you could move into a gated community to be rid of those MAGA pricks.”
Margo, giving a wide berth to the hurtling birthday girls. Handing one bag to each mother, she asks, “I mean, what do you give kids who have everything, including extra arms?” Candy and Margo open up their bags and see similar pink dresses with black polka dots and little flaps under the arms – on both sides for Tinker and one side for Katrina. “I didn’t really know which side Katrina’s arm’s on, so I took a guess. I know a good seamstress who can fix it in a jiffy.”
Margo and Candy hold up the dresses and examine the tidy tailoring. “Anne, where did you find these???” asks Margo.
“One of my many hidden talents, ladies, I made them.”
“We hope we can call on your services for those Junior Prom Gowns.”
“As a feminist, I will have to protest that!” says Anne. “Speaking of protests, how often are those crazies outside your door?”
“Over the last year, they’ve become fewer and fewer,” says Margo.
“No dedication. I could tell from the hats. MAGA?? They couldn’t even bother to make new hats.”
“I know, “Mothers’ Against Generated Appendages”, kind of a stretch.” Says Gina. “As long as they stay on the side walk and don’t block the entrance, there isn’t much we can do about it. I think I’ll go bring them some birthday cake, help remind them that it’s been a year.” Willie offers to help, but asks if he can tinkle, just a bit, on the cake first.
“Well, I’d say Shaun is a lucky man,” says Candy, looking at the diamond on Anne’s hand.
“Have you met Raj Hudini? He’s our genetic doctor / surgeon, right over there. He can fix you up, when the time is right.”
Anne laughs heartily and says, “It isn’t in the five-year plan, so that gives us plenty of time to see how Tinker and Katrina manage and see what happens with your MAGA friends.”
Just then, the music in the background changes to the Dave Bowie and Mick Jagger version of “Dancing in the Streets”.
“Ladies, it is Conga time. Come on Candy, you owe me a dance,” says Margo, dragging Candy by the hand to the center of the room. Margo then starts the Conga line, with Candy behind her. Soon, the whole party is in the line, dancing right out the front door, with Bud and Darwin bringing up the rear, passing the protesters who are eagerly accepting the cake from Gina and Willie. As the conga line heads down the street, the protesters join in. After all, protesting is no fun and futile.