On time, on budget, to specifications
Pick any two
Jeff Klinger drags himself into work on this Monday morning. It wasn’t always this wretched trek – he used to sing and dance his way into the office, just like his wife Margo. Engineering new products with a team of designers, architects and engineers had always been fun, creative, inspiring, even. Nothing could match the thrill of starting with a chalk board and a group of the best people who could be rounded up for salaries of $150k – $200k/year and a year later ending up with something functional and beautiful, like a boat. Those were the good ole days, when Nautical Specialty Engineering was run by engineers for the benefit of their mostly rich, high functioning customers who had a serious interest in architecture and style. These guys (and they are almost all men, although Jeff uses the term interchangeably) didn’t want to just own a boat, they wanted to feel connected to a boat: to be part of its design from concept to completion. It was a piece of art and they sought perfection and also understood perfection took time, money and love. That attitude suited Jeff perfectly; he was a perfectionist with the required patience to get everything done right. In those days, the entire management team loved the projects, too: a group of geeky looking guys (including gals) nurtured and birthed their baby before proudly launching her onto the seas.
All that changed 18 months ago when Nautical Specialty Engineering (NSE) was purchased by a large, Chinese corporation nobody had ever hear of, even though it was a 100 Billion dollar company. And, apparently, there are lots of those large, unheard of companies out of Beijing and Hong Kong. This $100 B company, Supra, had no love of boats or customers. It was all just numbers in a book to them. And, to them, perfection was the enemy of good enough. Jeff wondered if at least San Diego got some bonus points for being in a beautiful part of the world they could visit. The cultural fit was terrible.
Along with the new company came their new management. Now, decisions were increasingly being made by this mysterious vapor that hovered somewhere above New York City streets. They were being made in an engineering, physics and mathematical vacuum by mystery people, afraid to provide their reasons or their name – say nothing about some equations. Jeff wasn’t sure how much longer he could hold out, waiting for the old company to resurface – or at least for some decisions to have reasoning based in real physics. It is one thing to have a government adhering to alternative facts – quite another for an engineering company to do so. Boats needed to float. Inertia being what it is, Jeff just hadn’t gone out to look for a new job yet. Plus, he’d rather like to find a home for his entire team.
Right now, it was time to drag ass into the Supra boss’s office for an official whipping. Daniel Lyons was certainly the guy for this job: good looking, direct and as transparent as a glass of glacial water. Jeff imagined the request into HR, “ Looking for an office manager for a group of highly skilled engineers. Can’t mind being the stupidest person in the room while spewing inane commands directed from on high. Must be willing to suck up and suck off without hesitation. Those with balls need not apply.” Although Dan had an engineering degree from MIT, the team bet he couldn’t wire a lamp. “That would be an electric engineer.” Nor put together a piece of furniture from Ikea. “That would be a structural engineer.” He certainly looked the part of a rich boat owner – dressed like the cover of an Italian version of GQ, which belied his foul, but OK, funny, mouth. Supra certainly hired the perfect guy for this job.
Jeff walks into the Dan’s office, with the soft lighting from the lamps and the dark leather chairs that would look more at home in a man’s club. Sitting behind his oversized, dark desk, Daniel looks somewhere between bored and pissed.
“Jeff, I just received the final numbers from Corporate on the Water Tower project. And, it was much worse than we had thought. “Totally out of control “was the nicest thing they had to say.” Dan says as way of a greeting. He slams down a report, almost hitting Jeff as he sits. “You want me to read a few lines of this beauty?”
Being an engineer who could and did run equations as well as project finances, Jeff long knew the Water Tower was going to be a complete, unadulterated disaster – he also knew that he was totally helpless to stave it off. His only real option was to quit. An option Margo encouraged before she became pregnant, but he hesitated because he didn’t want to abandon “his team,” almost all of whom he hired and mentored.
Dan shakes his head and continues, as if the point had not already been made, “Jeff, sometimes you just have to make things work, even if you disagree with the edicts. Was there a reason to screw it up AND go over budget? Couldn’t we have screwed it up under budget?”
“Shit,”, Jeff says looking down at the slammed document and then back up at lipid eyes of his boss. “We knew it was bad, Dan; we had lots of unanticipated problems – mostly customer induced.”
Dan continues on his rant. “Unanticipated problems are 10%, maybe 20% over budget. This is more like we priced a parking garage and built The fucking Taj Mahal.”
At this, Jeff feels compelled to defend the honor of his team. Maybe I’m just too lazy to find a new job until someone fires me, he thinks. Insubordination seeming like a good option, he decides to continue. “I tried to explain the physics to you – my team are architects and engineers, not gods who can defy the laws of the universe.”
Dan wasn’t going to take the bait, not today. He thinks Jeff can call me his bitch, for all I care. He’s the best damn engineer in Southern California; a total whiner, but he gets everything pretty much right. And I need him to pull of this project. “Doesn’t matter. My ass is being sacrificed up there and I am going to have to drop to my knees and suck every dick around that board room and then turn around and suck my way all the way out.”
Somewhat determined to get the hatchet, Jeff responds, “Well, at least you are gay… “.
Unfortunately, Dan likes Jeff more for having a set of balls, the balls he sorely lacks when communicating to his management. But, that was part of his job description. “Hey, I want to pick the dicks I suck – I don’t want to suck on demand – and half of them will be needle sized, so they will get stuck right in between my teeth. Oh, and I certainly don’t have any ammunition left to fight this other gem,” Dan responds.
Slamming down another set of papers, Dan continues, “I’ll save you the trouble of reading this one. It says for our dock project that we will be using Indian designers. They cost less than half what it costs to keep your team.” Dan knows he’s pushing Jeff’s buttons but just can’t help himself. Plus, Dan loves Jeff’s wife Margo, and more importantly, so do his schnauzers. It would be lots easier to keep taking Lucky and Strike to see Margo if Jeff quits than if Dan fires him. But, not until the next project is finished.
Now with his wife is 4 months pregnant, Jeff doesn’t feel like he can quit. But it getting so painful, he sure actively wishes Dan would fire him. He pretends he does not know what this news means for his team and wants Dan to say the words. So, he asks, “And, what am I to do with my team? Tell them to take a vacation?”
“I’m sorry, Jeff. You are going to have to tell them to take a hike. It is out of my hands. I have no more favors to call in – plus I have two dogs and two cats that I pay your wife a fortune to take care of every year.”
Daniel gets up and walks Jeff to the door, holding his breath, as this will prevent Jeff from quitting on the way out. “At least I get to keep you, for now,” he says to Jeff while they both stand in the doorway.
“Do I get to keep them for a bit longer?”
“For about as long as it takes Brad Pitt to get hit on in a gay bar. You have a meeting with them Monday morning, I see. So, just get ‘er done.” Damn, Dan thinks as he shuts the door, not sure why I always have to be such an asshole.
Standing on the other side of the door, all by himself, Jeff shakes his head, making sure he got everything right. In actuality, it was no big surprise. He does his best Dan impersonation to date, without an audience. “Just make it 6 inches longer and 10 lbs lighter, Jeff; Keep the customer happy, Jeff; so what if your team doesn’t eat, sleep or drink for 6 months, Jeff.”
Still grumbling to himself, he adds loud enough for Helen at the front desk to hear, “Mr. MIT PHD can’t do some simple math. Christ, no wonder he has to suck dick.” Then he walks by Helen and says, “I have a sore ass, I’m heading home to soak it in vodka.”
“Don’t forget the cherry, Jeff,” responds the always helpful Helen as he leaves.