Most group of friends have one house where people tend to gather. It isn’t always the largest house or the one that outwardly appears to be the most comfortable. It is the one where the owners love to entertain, everyone helps themselves freely to the refrigerator, feet on the coffee table are not a problem, and, of course, good wine and other imbibements freely flow. The freezer always contains hors d’oeuvre for 30 people in case of a crash landing and games abound. The types of games don’t really matter: cards, pool, ladders, bocce ball. It helps if the games can be played while drinking a beer with one hand and if the game can be truly screwed up and its players duly mocked. Amongst Jeff and Margo’s friends, their house was the obvious choice. Rachel’s house was always pristine, even with her son running around. Plus, she thought merely putting cold cuts on a platter was an imposition. Hell, if that ever happened, her friends would probably toss them on the ceiling to see if they would stick. If the first few failed, her friends would suggest mayonnaise or mustard as readily available adhesives. Beth’s house was comfortable enough, but Beth was a nervous hostess. Besides, it was easier for Jeff and Margo to host since they didn’t need to bother with baby sitters or dropping the kids off at Jeff’s parents.
Although not gourmet chefs like Jeff’s parents, Margo and Jeff were aspirational, often failures and sometimes hilariously so. Once while trying to make bread, the top of the food processor flew off, spreading dough on the ceiling, all over the cupboards and worst of all, all over poor Budweiser who yelped and ran for the door as if he’d been hit with molten lava. What couldn’t be washed out of his fur after 15 minutes of bathing was cut out over the course of an hour, leaving Budweiser with a mottled ‘do. Jeff wondered if they could carve something sweet into his fur, like LOVE. Margo decided the dog had been traumatized enough for one night.
This night was not an aspirational dinner – compromises had to be made due to time. Jeff and Margo didn’t want to have this conversation with their friends in a restaurant, and the truth is that as long as there is good wine (and there is always good wine), true friends really don’t care.
This is the first dinner party since Darwin joined the family. She greets everyone as they enter the door, being the perfect hostess (except for the lack of a cocktail in hand). Budweiser follows her around, always maintaining about a half a head distance and continually sniffing. Obviously, Darwin is adapting to the house faster than Budweiser is adapting to a cat in his house.
Beth, Rachel and Margo go into the kitchen while Rachel’s husband John joins Jeff at the grill. We’ve come a long way baby, thinks Beth, but it seems men are still the masters of the grill and we ladies are in the kitchen. She’s said to herself many times that once this separation of duties changes, she’ll consider a mate. Until then, she’ll stick to just having friends. This thought conjured up her recent lunch.
“I had lunch with Candy on Monday. I really think you both would like her,” says Beth.
Candy had been such a good sport at the fund raiser – and certainly helped “smash” all previous records. Doing so was perhaps a bit of a pledge stunt, winning the hearts and minds of this group. “I did invite her over to dinner tonight, but unfortunately, she couldn’t make it,” says Margo.
“No wonder, you probably invited her over for something disgusting like German Sheppard Pie,” said Beth.
“No, I invited her over to smash any tchotchke of her selection in my whole house. Really, Beth, you think eating any creature with eyes is disgusting. “
Rachel picks up a single asparagus and starts waving it around. “I feel very sorry for this asparagus- look at the poor limp thing,” she says. “Just a few days ago it was very happily rooted and sunning itself in the south. Then along comes some maniac and rips it right out of the ground. Have you heard about the researchers using ultrasound to hear the plants screaming while being clipped?”
“For your information, I did not even get so far as to mention the menu – Candy said she and her husband will be out of town. She is very sweet and I’m glad we’ve found a friend for you, Beth. But, I am pretty sure I saw her knocking back a juicy burger at the auction.”
“I’m not sure I trust her,” says Rachel as she takes a big bite off the top of the asparagus. “She is an evil ceramic smasher. “
The gals finish getting the food on the table, Margo opens the wine and John and Jeff come in with the steaks, including a portabella steak, from the grill. Margo pours everyone a hefty glass of wine, except herself. She limits herself to 4 ounces with a 1-ounce refill while pregnant. Once everyone is seated, Margo stands. Rachel shuffles a bit in her seat and says, “so formal tonight!”.
“We are so glad you guys could make it tonight,” Margo begins. “You will be happy to know that dinner will be better than usual because the chef is totally sober: a side-effect of pregnancy. We also have an ulterior motive for having dinner here tonight. Jeff and I are headed out of town for at least two weeks and we want all of you to check up from time to time on our kids. Jeff’s parents will be staying with them, so we need some adult supervision to make sure the place doesn’t turn into a total frat house. Also, we want someone to save Budweiser from his new best friend, Darwin.”
“Do tell about this quickly planned mystery trip. Anything to do with punching out Miss Collins?” asks Rachel.
“Going away until Jeff’s black eye disappears?” adds John.
“No, no arrest warrants out for us yet,” says Jeff. “We leave the day after tomorrow for Chennai. I somehow managed not to get fired after the last debacle at work, but my penance is to work with a group of engineers headquartered in Chennai and I’m going to go meet with them.”
“And I am going along for an entirely different reason,” adds Margo. “Better swallow your food.”
Margo provides most of the narrative on their decision over the last few weeks and even starts describing CRISPR, but clearly her audience is looking more and more dazed as she continued. She had not expected them to heap praise on her, but the stunned looks were not expected, either. Finally, Beth pierces the stupor for the group, “Is this one of your tasteless jokes, Margo? Jeff, can’t you control this a bit.” After being assured that this is no tasteless joke, Beth continues in an aggressive fashion, “The hormones have gone from making you mean to making you bat shit crazy. Jeff, are you trying to talk to sanity into this woman? “
At least they understand, thinks Jeff. “Nothing has been decided yet. We are just going to take a look at Dr. Hudini’s schools for the fifth limbers. Margo has a medical interest in all of this,” he adds almost as a way of apology. At least this is how it sounds to Margo and she gives him a slack jawed look while shaking her head.
“We saw some videos at his office and the kids are truly amazing,” Margo says in her defense. “There were 5 and 6 legged kids playing soccer, 3 and 4 armed kids playing instruments, lots of kids just doing daily tasks. They will be the leaders of the next generation in India. Look at the world today: millions of people from India, China, and God knows what other 3rd world country will start taking over our jobs. The world is flat and I think only the truly exceptional will be able to get a decent job and have a fulfilling life.”
“Well, now that you’ve explained it, it makes perfect sense,” says Rachel.
“Really?” asks Beth.
“Noooo, not at all. Not At All.” Says Rachel, looking back at Beth while wondering if everyone around her has lost it.
“So you can do either arms or legs? But not both?” John asks.
“The research at this is inconclusive as to whether or not the brain is malleable enough to control both extra arms and legs,” answers Margo. “We’ll need to pick one or the other.”
“OK, the obvious follow-on questions is: are you going for arms or legs?” asks John.
“We are thinking about an arm. Margo says how handy she’d find it every day in surgery,” responds Jeff.
“I also think it’s easier to tuck it in to hide it, if it’s a bit too freakish for the kids,” adds Margo.
Weighing the routes of trying to talk sense into her best friend or going absurd, Rachel decides to take the absurd route, because, heck, the same point’s made either way and absurd’s much more fun. Placing her forearm behind her head and wiggling her fingers like a plume, she says “I think I’d like it right on top of my head and I would wear it high and proud. That way, I would be a real head turner – without a boob hanging out.”
Beth is not always so fast to jump on the absurd route, but decides in this case to follow Rachel. “I find boobs are great little ambassadors. I mean, everyone loves boobs – and they don’t have to be large. Really, I go down a street in my white jogging top and everyone looks and smiles at these little nipples. They don’t really need to hang out- just be slightly visible. “
“OK”, Rachel concedes, “but they aren’t great conversation starters. Nobody comes up and asks where you got them or what they do. An arm on the head would generate lots of interest, particularly as we age.”
“Honey, I think Beth’s nipples would generate lots of interest,” John says and for which he receives a swift kick. Then he continues. “I think I’d like mine near my back and I’d dedicate it to washing my bum. Don’t some Indians already dedicate one arm to eating and one to bum cleaning – so never the two shall meet??? And, they blow their noses into their hands, too. So, maybe I could have one hand dedicated to keeping my nose clean – including clipping out all those nose hairs.“
Not to be out grossed by her husband (and yes, sometimes it was a contest!) Rachel ratchets up the absurdity. “I think they use butt gum, so after your business you push the gum all up against your butt hole and it grabs all the left over. Then, you just throw it away.”
Quite relieved by the reprieve from her story, Margo supports her friend, “Yeah, it acts like silly putty. Remember how you’d press it against the comic strips and the picture transferred to the putty? Same concept.”
Although Beth can’t contain a laugh, she feels she needs to maintain some sorely needed dignity with the group. “Why do I hang out with all of you deviant losers? I need some new friends.”
“I hear the classical book club is looking for some new members,” Rachel responds. “You’d drop their average age by a decade. But, they‘d probably expect you to actually read the books and be able to discuss them.”
“John, I am not sure where you all get this rubbish,” says Jeff. I believe the big city Indians have similar hygiene habits to ours.” Then after a brief pause, he looks upward and sideways and with a crooked smile continued, “Now, I don’t know about those rural Indians. “
“I wouldn’t venture too far out of the cities!” says Rachel. “And Margo, I think you should keep a roll of toilet paper on you at all times.”
Deciding to get the crew out of the scatological discussion (where Rachel professed all good discussion lead), Beth changes the subject, wondering if she’d ever be able to change her role of gutter cleaner with this group. “I want an arm on my back so I can do my hair. It could use some little eyes on it. Can you ask the good doctor if he could manage that?”
John says, “Please make sure the eyes can close, because I don’t want any visions from down close to my butt.”
“I’m glad you understand that is a problem, sweetie,” replies his wife. “But really, it isn’t THAT bad. I would want the good doctor to make it bionic so I can open jars or even take a lug nut off a tire. Become self- sufficient. “
“Sounds like you are just trying to get rid of me!” John says.
“Let me guess, Jeff, your brother wants an extra dick or an extra middle finger so he can shove that in people’s faces,” Beth says. “But what about you? Arm or Leg, where and why?”
Jeff looks at Margo and tips his glass. “I would just want one more hand to caress my darling, crazy wife.”
Everyone oohs and awes, and John remarks how he has just lost husband of the night. Darwin seems to agree, as she jumps in Jeff’s lap for some scratches.
“For our after dinner entertainment, we have a video of the Fifth Limbers at the clinic. You all want to see it?” asks Margo.
“Hell yes” they all answer in unison. “I am always in for a freak show,” adds John.
For the next half an hour, they all gather in the living room and watch the video Margo and Jeff first saw at Dr. Hundini’s. The merriment is interspersed with comments like “amazing”, “wow” and “incredeeble”. When leaving, they weren’t quite sure if the whole thing was a funny hoax or just nuts. As they reach their cars out front, John vouches to look up CRISPR, figure out how on earth they put together that video, and expose their friends. They agree Candy and Tony missed a great party.