Last century our parents re-engineered corn.
This century, we are re-engineering humans.
After spending years as a top prosecutor and then a judge, Gina turned her high passions to becoming a foodie, much to the benefit of friends and family. At least twice a week, her kitchen turned out the best, most interesting meal that could be had in and around San Diego. Most other nights, she experimented with herbs from her garden, not excluding the mind altering variety or those most commonly smoked, and whatever rare vegetable or fish could be found at market. On top of that, through videos, classes and trial and error, she had also become a most delicious pastry chef, copiously using her secret ingredient, grade fancy VT maple syrup. A few years back, she even redid her kitchen to better support her gourmet endeavors. The floors were sloped to a drain on one side and made out of a colored concrete. The counters were stainless steel, sloping to two large sinks. A water spigot behind the stove provided water for the pots soon to be cooking pasta. A pair of dish washers seemed to be constantly running. When did dish washers start taking 2+ hours to cycle, Gina wondered, as she contemplated if a third dishwasher would be overkill. Willie somehow maintained control of the grill, thinking it unmanly to give it up. With the new soude vide cookers, that role had become greatly diminished over the last few years. Now, he just took the items already cooked in the constant temperature water bath and threw them on the grill to give them a crispy crust. However, he managed to stay in control of the breakfast eggs, and rightly so as he whipped up tremendously good omelets.
Tonight, Margo, Jeff, and the kids arrive with Darwin in tow. The kids give the grandparents a big hug and excitedly introduce them to their “handicapped” charge. Astrid takes the lead, “look granny and gramps. This is our new cat Darwin and she only has 3 legs. But she walks just fine.”
“Budweiser might eat her, so we had to bring her, but Mom says we have to leave her alone while we are here”, added Austin.
“Leave Darwin with us and go play in the den. Your uncle will be here soon,” says Gina as Willie escorts the overly excited kids into the other room.
“Sorry we had to bring Darwin. We aren’t quite ready to leave her alone with Bud, and Astrid holds her so much we are afraid she’ll kill her,” explained Jeff.
“Like your hamsters?” asks Gina.
The death by holding scenario for hamsters didn’t hold water, according to Margo. Yes, they tend to die after a short period of captivity, but that has more to do with generally not giving the hamsters a healthy environment. They are nocturnal, so they need to sleep during the day, not be woken up constantly for petting. After illuminating this point several times to Gina, Margo decides to just let this old wife’s tale linger. After all, it probably freaks out the poor fury rodents to some degree; there’s some degree of truth in there.
Before the first round of cocktails hits the coffee table, Rob arrives in full bum regalia. His hair is long, shaggy and god knows when it was last washed, or combed. His shirt, pants and shoes look like they came from the reject pile at the Salvation Army. Jeans with slits may be all the rage, but they have to be done right, and worn with a high end shirt and expensive pocketbook (or murse – aka male purse). The little brown bag in his hand completes the vagabond motif.
“Yo Dudes. Here is the wine, just like you requested!” says Rob proudly.
Gina takes the small bag, gives it one look, peaks inside and raises her eyebrows into her skull.
“Rob, for Christ sake. This is a split. Could you really not splurge for a full bottle?” Gina barks.
“Does this mean I have to kick his ass out of here?” asks Jeff.
Without taking her glare off from Rob, Gina answers, “Not this time. He found a loop-hole. I guess I’ll have to be much more specific in the future.”
Rob backs up and rights his shoulders, acting totally wounded. “Hey, I drink beer, Margo is pregnant, so that just leaves you, dad and Jeff.”
“Rob, Mister Math Genius, even with just three of us, we wouldn’t each get a full glass. And God forbid we go for a second.”
“Hey, I’m allowed to have a glass of wine with dinner!” Margo exclaims.
“Believe me, a little alcohol is the least of this fetus’s problems.” Jeff auto-interjects.
At this everyone stops drinking and looks back and forth, between Jeff and Margo.
“What happened? Is everything OK?” asks Willie.
“It is way too late to abort!” says Gina, with the obvious implication that it would have made perfect sense a few months ago.
“No, no nothing like any of that. But you all need to have a drink and sit down before we get into details,” Margo replies.
As Margo and Jeff tell their tale, Jeff’s parents and brother look back and forth at each other, trying to decide if this is a practical joke. As the details come to an end, Gina decides the details were way too precise and complicated to pull this off as a ruse. It would have taken way too much planning for two busy professionals. Her years as a prosecutor and a judge trained her to discern between the facts and fiction. Her children could never get away with unimaginative excuses – there was no “the dog ate my report card” tale with this woman. Now, the bullshit button just wasn’t going off. Willie and Rob lack such bullshit detectors, so they sat there chuckling and saying what a great joke.
“WHAT THE FUCK! They aren’t joking!” Gina says while looking at Margo and Jeff, and then turning to Willie and Rob and repeating in a louder, authoritarian voice, “They aren’t joking!”
“Correct, madam prosecutor. We tell no fibs,” says Jeff.
Willie scratches his head and then give himself a little pinch. “Gina, you need to throw out that last batch. I think I am hallucinating.”
“Don’t touch that batch, Gina. It is fabulous and this is for real.” Margo tells them.
“So, you mean a dude could have an extra arm under here,” says Rob pointing to around his waist, “and be diddling himself all through dinner? That is brilliant! Sign me up, too,” he adds while pondering all sorts of lewd possibilities.
“You wouldn’t need to diddle yourself if tried a little harder, bum boy. Maybe they could just grow your arms long enough to reach your wallet,” Willie says, hoping everyone could use a little break from the limb conversation.
“Jeff already asked the doctor about eliminating the asshole gene. No luck there yet,” says Margo while waving her glass for just a little taste from the full bottle of Meursault pulled out by Willie when he realized this was no one drink conversation.
Thinking as a mother and a prosecutor, Gina steers the conversation back to the limbs. “That means the 12-year-old girls will have 3 roving hands to worry about! What are you doing to Tinker? “
“Hey, could they give me another dick?” Rob asks.
“Sweetie, you are all dick,” his mother adds, as only a mother could. “The last thing you need is more dick.”
“But think what a hit I’d be with the ladies. Curiosity alone would…”
Willie interrupts by standing up and doing his little T-rex dance with his wrists tucked under his shoulders and hands wiggling in front of his chest. “You’d need to buy 2 condoms! And then the poor gal would have to put both of them on for you. She’d most likely lose interest before all of that is wrapped up.”
Having heard about enough of her crude men, Gina interrupts, “Why don’t you just try buying some decent clothes, getting a grown-up haircut and perhaps asking a gal out to a nice dinner?”
“Nice gals won’t go out with me, Gina!” says Rob.
“Hence the order: clothes, hair, then nice dinner,” instructs his mother.
“Beth might give you a break on your carnivorous habits, but smoking would be a deal breaker,” says Margo to Rob and then she turns and looks at Gina to gauge her reaction.
“I thought I smelled smoke on your clothes, and just thought perhaps you’d been in a room with smoke. Who in god’s name starts smoking at age 40???” asks Gina.
“He thinks it makes him look more sophisticated,” says Jeff. “Dude, you are a dick, but we love you and this is very, very bad for you.”
Margo adds, “Plus, it reduces your dating pool to skinny valley girls whose idea of exercise is marathon shopping.”
“I can’t believe he opens his wallet for cigarettes. Aren’t they expensive? Seriously, you two,” says Willie turning back to Jeff and Margo, “aren’t you afraid other kids will make fun of our Tinker Bell?”
“Kids are very accepting these days, Dad. Our kids have all sorts of different and handicapped friends,” says Jeff.
Then, Margo goes into clinician mode. “Our ability to accept change in society now far exceeds normal evolutionary speed. Science is letting us evolve faster and our reasoning allows us to accept the change. In another 10 years, everyone will be doing this. We are the new pioneers. Really, you should see the video from their facility in India.”
A good prosecutor knows when to cut her losses, but this being family, Gina decides to persist. “I know this is about giving your kids all the advantages in the world, but why don’t you just give them an excellent education?”
“Honey, are you suggesting they go all Hollywood on us and buy their kids a spot at a top school??” asks Willie.
“No, that doesn’t work” responds Gina. “If they don’t have the ambition or talent to study they will just come out feeling poorly about themselves. They need to be given the opportunity to excel at whatever interests them most. Of course it would be good if they could make a living at it…..”
“Each of us is such a unique blend of our successes and failures,” says Willie. Everyone pauses to look at him, processing one of his many phrases of clarity which have come to be called “Willie Pearls”. He continues, “and of course those are a product of our innate intelligence tempered by our emotional intelligence and ambition.
“You know the caveman only worked 20 hours a week?” Willie continues. “The rest of the time they played and learned how to be human. Now, people work 45-50 hours a week and stress out about losing their jobs –and humanity is going to hell in a smartphone. With all this automation, we aren’t going to be losing jobs to the Indians or Chinese, but to machines. Oh, and we are no happier than the cavemen, I am sure.”
“As the jobs disappear, perhaps we’ll all become equal; class distinctions could dissolve. Certainly, the definition of success will need to evolve,” says Gina.
“And, that could be a good thing!” says Willie. “We’ll all be the idle rich, or idle poor, but we’ll all be the same, and we can play instruments and write poetry. You know I used to write poetry? “
Gina guffaws and grabs his hand. “As mellifluous as a fog horn.”
“Only some of them were rude, “There once was a man from Nantucket…” began Willie.
Margo interrupts, “Why is he always from Nantucket?”
“It WAS a long time ago and it was quite de rigor then. Plus, Tucket rhymes with an old time favorite saying,” answers Willie.
“Could we please stay focused for a grown-up discussion?” asks Gina. Everyone else around the table moans and begrudgingly grants her their attention. “We always loved our children, and they were really quite average in most ways – no offense guys. “
As if to defy the request to stay focused, Astrid and Austin rush into the dining room.
“Daddy, Austin grabbed me and pulled my hair!” Astrid hollered.
“That is not true! I was just trying to show her how to tie her shoes and she got mad because Darwin was climbing on my shoulders!” says Austin in his defense.
Only then did Margo realize that she and Jeff had let Darwin slip from their attention to wonder away from the table. Watching an animal at Willie and Gina’s was not a natural act.
“Darwin is MY cat!” declares Astrid. “You don’t even like 3 legged animals.”
Austin gives his sister a very grown up look and says “Darwin is not your cat – tell her Mom! She belongs to all of us and all I said was there was no need to feel sorry for her just because she is missing a leg. She does just fine. “
“OK, OK, now Darwin needs all of us to love her gently,” says their mom. “You can’t always hold her, Astrid. She needs sometime to herself. And, Austin, that is very nice of you to help your sister learn how to tie her shoes, but if she doesn’t want to learn right now, you can’t force her.”
“But Mom, it is so embarrassing to have my little sister be the only kid on the playground who can’t tie her own shoe! She won’t ask anyone else but me to help and I can’t always be right there. “
“Oh, so you want your sister to grow up??? Quit picking on her for the rest of the night, OK?” Margo asks, while filing away the need to push Austin to read at a little bit higher grade level.
Rob pushes his seat back from the table and says, “Come on team. Let’s go play some cards in the other room and let these adults talks.” Maybe he’s more thoughtful than I was giving him credit for, Margo thinks, as Rob grabs one kid in each arm and scoots off.
Persisting at the adult conversation, Gina continues her questioning. “So, you think another hand would help with skills? I mean, if I had an arm inserted in me, could I play the piano? No.”
As this were some kind of a cue card, Darwin jumps up on the table, grabs a bone and takes off.
“Yeah, some kind of helpless with one fewer limb,” Gina says as they all watch the cat go hide with her treat. Getting up from the table, Gina grabs a few dishes and goes into the kitchen. Jeff hops up, grabs some dishes and follows her.
“We could give Rob 12 more hands and he still wouldn’t lift a plate,” says Gina while scraping the remain of the plate into the sink.
“That goes back to the asshole gene, mom.”
“Maybe they should work on that first – life is about priorities.
“This was certainly a “Big News” day. I heard you punched out that old bitch Mrs. Andrews.”
“I was about ready to tell you about that, mom. Your grapevine isn’t quite right. We are starting at the higher grades and working down. It was Miss Collins I punched.”
“Wrong priority! You should have started with my biggest fan,” says Gina. “You’re lucky I still have excellent connections and some really horrifying pictures. I will handle the damage control, as long as next time, you take out Mrs. Andrews, for your mother.”
Margo gathers up the kids and the cat and they all head out, Jeff in tow. Gina hollers her signature goodbye phrase, “Have fun and live scandalously” and Jeff thinks how wonderful to have a mother who can get him out of the jams caused by his living up to her well-meaning advice.