Margo insisted that she and Jeff go to visit the teachers together. “A united front”, she said, “would be more appropriate for this meeting.” A busy night with dinner, the kids and homework had left little time for debriefing on the report card the night before, but Jeff thought it would be much more instructive to just talk with the teachers. Running late due to traffic, he barely has time to pick Margo up at the house and make it to school on time. He knew late would not be a good option, as Margo kindly reminded him every few minutes via her texts. However, he also knew that going without food was a bad option for him – “hangry” to the max. But, that was the option he selected, as Margo would remind him by saying “not making a move to get out of the office is a choice and that can have consequences.” Smarty pants running her own business is never late for anything. They really need to server alcohol at these events, he thinks as he guns the car for home to pick up the family drill sergeant.
After arriving at the school and dashing to the kindergarten room, they see the ole crone, Miss Andrews, sitting behind her desk, much as she had been doing for the past 50 years. Hell, she was Jeff’s mother’s kindergarten teacher, as well as his. Remarkable that Jeff and his mom weren’t more damaged. Seems like 50 years should have produced at least one child who would go back and strangle her, but kids are resilient. Jeff and Margo look around the room to find a place to sit, but there’s nothing above knee height, so they just lean / sit on the little desks at the front of the room, feeling like giants in Lilliputian land.
Not much of one for small talk, Miss Andrews gets right to the point. “I’m so glad you called to set up the meeting. I was going to give you a call.” She pulls her chair from behind the desk to remove that barrier and sit closer to them. “Astrid seems to be less interested than usual in class. Is everything OK at home, any changes recently?”
“When you see something amiss with Astrid, please don’t wait for a report card to come around. Give us a call,” Margo says, pleadingly.
“Things are fine at home; she doesn’t seem to hate coming to school,” Jeff adds. To which Margo adds, “Well, I am pregnant so things will be changing shortly. “
“Did you tell her that she would be sleeping in the garage when the baby came?” questions Miss Andrew’s, peering directly at Jeff over her reading glasses.
Jeff and Margo look at each other, puzzled by the question. Then, then the light goes on with Margo.
“Oh crap. Her brother was wondering where the baby would sleep, so I told him the baby would be sleeping with Budweiser, the dog. I was just joking.” As she spoke, Margo was wondering how that got converted to Astrid sleeping with Budweiser, but it was pretty close.
“You know it is a very emotionally trying time for children at this age when a new sibling enters the family,” came the comment from the smug face, with the eyes still over the eyeglasses, but now focused on Margo. Then raising her head, she adds, “They worry about how everything will change; if they will be less loved or given less attention. It is not a good time to joke.”
Good God, Margo thinks. I am getting lectured by this ole bitty who would be better suited to running a concentration camp than a kindergarten.
“The joke was for her older brother, who I thought was old enough to take it for that. I didn’t realize he’d use it on his sister.”
Miss Andrews lowers here head again, back to the over the glasses glare, which Jeff thinks she probably worked at for hours while looking into the mirror. Must take practice to give that ugly of a look.
“Please understand that jokes flow downhill at these ages. Oh, and I am afraid there could be some cognitive difficulties. You know Astrid still doesn’t realize a truck is bigger than a car. It might not be a bad idea to hold her back a year. “
Jeff had been very good up until now, but he had had about enough of the ole bitty. They never should have let this hag scare their children. All this “character building of exposing kids to brutes at such a young age was crap. Why not just send them begging like in Oliver Twist? Somehow, he manages some civility in his tone: “Let’s get through the rest of the year and see where we stand. “
“The two of you both work, is that correct? “
Jeff was muttering “oh brother” under his breath, but luckily, Margo was loud and Miss Andrew’s hearing was not keen.
“Yes, I’m your vet and Jeff is an engineer here in town. “
“That’s fine, many kids have two parents who work. So, who cares for them when you are both working?”
Jeff decides it best to let Margo keep on talking, God knows what he’d say right now, other than he was so glad he had her blessing to keep his job.
“We have baby sitters; one of us is almost always home from work to greet the kids and Jeff’s mother spends lots of time with them. “
Looking directly at Jeff now, Miss Andrews asks, “Your mother is Gina, right? “
“That’s right.”
“Isn’t she the one who brought the pot brownies to the kindergarten picnic two years ago?”
Oh shit, thinks Jeff. I should have known this was going to come up. It always comes up! “Yes, but, she has a much better system now. Everything is color coded, so her batches don’t get mixed up.”
“I think I am going to recommend a home review. You’ll be hearing from a counselor in a few days.” And with that, the ole bitty shakes her head and looks back down at her desk. No polite walking the parents to the door!
Jeff looks at Margo as they walk down the hallways looking for the next meeting, he say it can’t be worse than Miss Atkins and her home review. “I mean how long before we live down the brownie incident??? You would think it was fucking arsenic in those treats. Plus, it wasn’t as if any of the kids even had a chance to eat one. Once the cover came off, we all smelled it.”
“I know, Jeff. People get so persnickety when you bring a fanciful herb to their children’s picnic. You would think we were handing out cigarettes. But, keep the thought of those arsenic brownies, just for her desk. Or maybe an arsenic infused apple.”
Finding Miss Collins’ classroom, they walk into a very similar set-up, with somewhat larger desks. This time, they go up front and sit on the desk, positioning them almost eye-level with the new, young teacher. Perhaps she didn’t call, Jeff thought, but she’s still young and can learn.
“I’m so glad you two called. I should have reached out before sending that blistering report card. And, I know it isn’t OK to call your son a moronic sociopath. He was just so maddening that day – I am sure you two understand. And, thanks for not reporting me. “
With that, Jeff snaps, Margo sees it in his bluster as he almost chokes to death getting his words out. “Wh Wh What did you call our son! No wonder he hates school!”
Margo hadn’t seen him this furious since, well, since never. She wasn’t sure how to rescue him and could only mumble “See, I knew you hadn’t read the report.” She knows this is not very helpful. But, it’s all she could come up with on short notice. She’d been a bit of a coward, not demanding that he read the report card before the visit. In her practice, she always uses the rule to get the bad information out soon as possible since it doesn’t get better with time. She has a hard time living that rule in her personal life, though.
“I’m sorry, he’s a miserable little shit who knows no bounds,” Miss Collins says and seeing the fumes, escalates, rather than diffuses, the whole situation. “And we teachers are left to deal with your bad parenting.”
At this, Jeff lurches across the desk. The books go flying in all directions while Miss Collins can’t quite comprehend what is happening. He tackles her out of the chair and her neat front row Baptist dress ends up above her head. Jeff ‘s trying to find the throat to strangle her, but there is just too much fabric. Margo notices the red lace panties and thought, hey, you never know what passions lurk in emotional gals. Then, Margo dives in between them, pulling the dress back down over the red panties while yelling, “this is not mud wrestling! You two get to your feet.”
The three of them roll-over, and then start untangling their limbs. Climbing to their feet, the three of them start brushing themselves off. Margo notes that the Baptist dress is torn and soiled, but thankfully, the red panties survived unscathed and pristine. Margo’s surgical scrubs couldn’t be damaged in a hurricane, but Jeff’s tie was damaged beyond recognition and his shirt was ripped in half. What the hell was on that desk, he wonders as he tries to pull the shirt together, as if it would help. Everyone’s hair sticks out in all directions and they all try to smooth their hair down. Miss Collin’s runs her fingers through her long, curly locks which seem to only make her hair worse.
Totally disheveled, Jeff and Margo look at each other and decide they best bolt for the car. As they back out of the room, Margo says to the still totally stunned teacher, “Thanks you so much for this informative meeting. Let’s do it again soon.” Once outside the classroom, they starting running to the safety of their car. Once safely inside, Margo laughs uproariously, and according to Jeff, rather inappropriately.
“Margo, what is funny about this!”
“We are the worst, worst, WORST parents in the world,” Margo says between guffaws as Jeff floors it out of the parking lot.
“Not to worry, after that they will take our kids away and we won’t be parents anymore,“ responds Jeff.
“I will start looking for a new school for the kids tomorrow. But what will we do for the rest of this year?” asks Margo.
“I will go talk with the principal tomorrow,” Jeff says while petting Margo’s hands. “I think Gina used to sell her weed, so we may be OK for a bit.”
“And I take care of Miss Andrew’s poodle, Fee Fee” Margo adds. “ So, we shouldn’t have very many problems there. That poor poodle always has a bow in her hair, a perfectly groomed classic pompom cut. Struts around like a beauty queen. Any guff from Ms. “home review” and I will put Fee Fee in with the mutts. I know she’s been fixed, but we could give her some fleas.“
As the car pulls into their drive-way, Jeff finally starts laughing. “I hope Miss Collins looks worse than us. I’m pretty sure I got in a few good punches before you broke us up. “
“Did you catch the red lace panties?”