Perfection is the enemy of good enough
But accidental perfection is the nectar of the gods.
As part of his continued display of contriteness, Jeff decides to walk to school with Bud to pick up the kids. He waits on a bench outside, just in case his picture’s posted. He reasons he must look like a good guy with Budweiser in tow. The kids come bounding out the door and see their Dad with Bud. Walking home with Dad and Bud is a rare and wonderful treat.
After the initial hugs, Austin asks “You didn’t get fired, did you Dad? Is that why you and Bud are here?”
“No, I rather think I got a promotion, and I’m taking a little time off from work to help prepare for your baby sister. Why would you ask that?”
“Mommy said to be very nice to you because your boss might kick you out of your office,” said Astrid.
“Yeah, and then you never walk over to the school to get us, soooo we thought you might not have an office anymore,” adds Austin.
“Life sometime has a way of working out in very weird ways, my goof balls. Just when you think you’ve really messed things up, you find you’ve created your most popular product. For the next few weeks, I am going to work on getting to know my customers.”
“Who are your customers, Dad?” asks Austin, grabbing Bud’s leash.
“As it turns out, they are people not much older than you.”
“You certainly know us, Daddy,” says Astrid.
“I am going to spend more time with you kids and your friends to see what water games we might come up with.” By the time he finishes the sentence, he’s already lost Austin, who grabbed Darwin’s lease and is sprinting ahead.
“How about a dog float? Am I too big to ride Bud? Maybe I could grab his belly like Darwin?” Astrid asks as she runs after Bud and Austin.
“Astrid, you are way too big now,” calls Jeff as he jogs to catch up.
“Perhaps our little sister could ride under Bud,” says Austin.
“I don’t think she will be strong enough to grab ahold of him like Darwin. Perhaps we can make a little cart that we can put her in and then have Bud pull the cart,” says Jeff.
“Can we!!!! Could it be big enough for me, too?” Astrid wants to know.
“Let’s see how we all get along once Tinker is born, OK? Your mother and I are going to see how Tinker is doing tomorrow.”
Shortly after they get home, Bud seeks out Darwin and lays down on his side. Darwin grabs the fur on his belly and side and then Bud gets up with while Darwin scrambles to the top. Jeff and the kids watch in astonishment as Bud races around the room with his jockey holding on for life and limb. The kids cheer him on and Jeff grabs his phone to take a video.
“I think Bud has become Darwin’s ride, Astrid. You and Tinker may have to fend for yourselves. Now you guys go upstairs and do your homework so we can spend some time together with your mom after dinner.”
By the time Margo arrives home, dinner is on the table, the kids have finished their homework, the pets are snuggled together and Jeff felt his groveling was finished, except for the explanation.
“So, after the worst demo of my life, I bumped into Anne and met a new friend Shaun Ferguson, who promises to slip me out of the country on his boat, if they come after me. We hung out on his very nice Carver for a few beers, just so I could get to know the place, then we lost track of time.”
“I heard about the demo from Helen. She called to find you last night – she wanted to tell you it wasn’t as bad as you thought, something about memes – whatever they are – and the viral nature of the Internet.”
“Just goes to show you that sometimes, your biggest flops can turn into massive wins. I’d heard this before, but never thought it could apply to me. Dan even told me to take a few weeks off, so I am going to the ultrasound with you tomorrow.”
“Great, let’s hope our luck holds. I hope we didn’t damage Tinker.”
“Daddy,” asks Astrid, “Since Austin got to walk Bud home, can you read to me tonight?”
“Astrid!” exclaims Margo. “I can read as well as your dad.”
Both kids shake their heads. Finally, Austin answers. “No, mom, sorry, but you can’t. But dad, you can read to Astrid, I am getting big enough to read for myself now.” The real reason for the generosity was Austin wanted to talk with Uncle Rob about helping him start a YouTube channel with Budweiser and Darwin.
The next day, Jeff and Margo get in the car for the ultrasound. Margo feels like there is a big balloon in her stomach and the navigation into the seat is very uncomfortable. “I wish we had a convertible – or better yet – a horse trailer so I could just stand up during the ride,” laments Margo.
“Do you know any of the large animal vets? Perhaps we can borrow one from them. It could even double as a manger and you could deliver the baby in it,” responded Jeff.
“A manger is no place for a geriatric patient to deliver a baby, better suited to those virgins!” says Margo.
“You always told me having babies was not for sissies.”
“It could be worse – I could be a porcupine. You know the babies have quills when they are born. The quills are soft at first, but quite uncomfortable. If they have a hard time and the baby is half in and half out, the quills on the out half exposed to air begin to harden. And, they give birth in a tree, so mom has to worry about her baby falling. Or, the spotted hyena mothers. They have this penis-like appendage that is an inch in diameter they have to push their 2lb babies through.” Margo makes a hole about an inch in diameter by curling her index finger around her thumb and then tries to shove her fist through it. “It can tear and kill them and often it does. Then, the elephant has a gestation period of almost 2 years!”
They reach the woman’s center and Margo struggles out of then car and waddles up the steps.
“I can’t believe I am out of breath from a single flight of stairs.”
“OK, I know it sucks to be you right now, but just a few more weeks. You can make it Margo!”
After checking in, putting on the gown and climbing on the table, the ultrasound tech enters and introduces herself as Mary.
Looking at the chart, the check confirms a few things. “So, this is your 34th week checkup, right?
“Yes,” Margo verifies. “This should be my last Ultra Sound before delivery.”
“And it says here that you already know you are having a little girl.”
“Yes, her name is Bella, but we’ve been calling her Tinker, so you may hear us call her that.”
“Tinker Bella. I kind of like that. My hippy parents named me Maple because they say I was conceived in Vermont while the sap was running. I just call myself Mary. OK, let’s see how everything looks,” says Maple Mary as she squeezes the too cold jelly over Margo’s bulbous belly.
“I feel like a snake that has just swallowed a big ole rat and it is kicking my inners trying to get out.”
“That’s a good healthy sign!” says Maple Mary. As she moves the probe around, she gets a puzzled look on her face, then looks back at the chart. Still with a puzzled look.
“I don’t like that look,” says Jeff, suddenly very concerned.
“You and your chart says you are having a little girl, but they must have missed this good sized penis at the last ultrasound, because you certainly have a little boy here. More Peter Pan than Tinker Bell.”
“No, that isn’t possible. The determination was done with DNA, not Ultrasound,” Margo tells Mary. Then, with a sudden realization, she says “Bloody Hell! If Dr. Hudini gave our little girl a penis, I am going to kill him.”
“I’ll get him on the phone right now”, Jeff says as he speed-dials Raj.
“Maybe it is an elephant’s trunk! We had talked about that, too,” says Margo to the confused Mary Maple, who up until then thought her parents were the weirdest couple in the adult world.
“I will go get the radiologist, just to see if he has some ideas”, says Mary as she leaves.
A few minutes later, the radiologist comes into the room and says, “ Hi Margo. I’m Ken Keller. You actually take care of my golden doodle Glenda. My wife normally takes her in, so you would know her.
“Hi doctor. Yes, I know Glenda – the good witch, right?”
“Yes, that’s our baby. I understand there is some disagreement between the sex as per the DNA tests and what we are seeing here. Let me take a look.”
After a few presses and pushes, Ken suddenly says, “Holy Shit! Oh, I’m sorry, that was so unprofessional. This is just weird; I don’t even know what to tell you. It doesn’t look like a penis to me. Mary mentioned something about you saying you were having a baby elephant – and I’ll be damned, but you may be right.
“What are you saying! You know that isn’t possible, I was just kidding,” says Margo. “Is this a joke you are pulling on me, Jeff?”
“Everyone calm down. We have a doctor who should be here in a few minutes to help us out,” says Jeff.
“Do you mind if I share some of these videos with my colleagues?” asks Ken.
“Of course you can, but let’s chat with Dr. Hudini first. He can help explain things.” Margo adds.
The doctor leaves the room with Mary Maple and leaves instructions to get him as soon as Dr. Hudini shows up.
Soon after, Dr. Hudini shows up and is led immediately to Margo’s exam room.
“Hello Margo, Jeff. So good to see you, Jeff. You know I see Margo pretty frequently now since she and Allison take care of my animals.”
“Thanks for coming over so quickly,” says Margo. “Something very strange is going on in here” she says pointing at her belly. “I am being jackass kicked, rat scratched and the radiologist thinks I am giving birth to an elephant. Did you give Tinker a penis or an elephant’s trunk?”
Dr. Hudini gives them a rare belly laugh. “I can assure you I don’t know how to do an elephant’s trunk yet, although, one would be quite fabulous, as you’ve explained to me. And, I don’t do penises, although that would probably make me a wealthy man around here! Not that you would need one Jeff – I mean, obviously not!”
Dr. Hudini picks up the gel, rubs Margo’s belly and starts moving the probe around, pushing the same as the radiologist.
“My god! This is ground-breaking! I mean the theory says it should work like this, but the conditions have to be perfect – and you never expect them to be perfect. They never have been perfect before. Apparently, the DNA worked its way into the baby’s body so the growth came totally from within the spinal cord. Other superfluous limbs were growing, but this limb was so strong that it took all the nourishment and this caused the others to wither away. That is the theory, at any rate. Margo, you are going to have a beautiful little gal with 4 arms. “
“4! Are they in the right place? I thought you said you needed to move them?”
“They are perfectly placed directly beneath and somewhat anterior to her first set of arms. They will be much more muscular, though, something like that elephant trunk you want. We will need to write this up in all the journals! Do you want to be famous?”
“No, I really just want a margarita and some kids who can support themselves. In that order.”
“Really?”
Jeff and Margo answer in unison “Yes!”
“Would you mind explaining some of this to the radiologist? I am sure Dr. Keller is going to have a few questions,” says Jeff.
“I would be happy to chat with him and I can share some more videos with him. I might need some friends in the medical community to get this procedure approved here. Besides, the evidence will be popping out soon with you and Candy.”
“I can’t wait to hear from the holy rollers. They will certainly think this is an abomination,” says Margo.
“Yes, but then they will need to look at our beautiful Tinker,” says Jeff.
“Pretty soon we’ll know if she will be a musician or an athlete,” says Dr. Hudini.
“Can’t she be both?” asks Margo.
“Why yes, I suppose with these perfect limbs she can be whatever she wants,” says Dr. Hudini, with the grin still on his face. “She might even be able to be both at the same time!”
After leaving the women’s center, Margo told Jeff she better go talk to her OBGYN, Lisa Bellatini, before she had a chance to read the radiologist’s report. She wasn’t sure if Dr. Keller would just put the “evidence of 2 additional arms” out there, or give a more thorough explanation. She was about as excited to explain this to Lisa as she was about explaining to a dog owner that her prize poodle just delivered a litter of mutts, not Golden Doodles. It often took a DNA test to convince them that they were raising dogs that were more wolf than golden retriever. Margo thought she’d better start working on that elevator pitch, since people would have lots of questions. She would need a talk for the holy rollers that included a spiel about the red pointy tail she had cut off. Then, a rift for the morbidly curious featuring the harvesting of limbs from dead babies. Then, for the people who pretended there was nothing odd or different, perhaps she could fabricate a story about a virus Margo picked up from an octopus while pregnant. How about the people who felt sorry for Tinker? Maybe she could just tell them that Tinker is a multi-millionaire, genius. Clearly, she would need to work on this list. Who better to help than Rachel! And, perhaps Gina. Clearly not the work for Beth or Candy, but she would be happy to share her spiels with Candy, as she would need to borrow some sarcasm. And, then she’d need even more help in the timing and delivery of the quips.
She and Jeff enter Dr. Bellatini’s office and ask to talk with her. Pretty quickly, she comes out to greet them. After bringing them back to her office and sitting down, she asks, “Are you getting a bit anxious, Margo? I know you were upset about the geriatric classification, but you are very healthy and lots of my patients are years, well, maybe not years, but a little older than you. And lots of them are not nearly as healthy.”
“I’m not more than averagely anxious. I do want to be on the other side of this, but we really wanted to make sure you didn’t freak at the radiologist’s report.”
“Did you just see Dr. Keller? He left a message for me to call him, but that is not terribly unusual.”
“In this case, it is unusual…..” says Margo.
“Let me look up the report.” Dr. Bellatini pulls up the report on the computer and starts reading it. A sly look crosses her face. “Nothing scary here. It just says your baby has four arms – like a technologist with double vision or some shadows or sound reflections”
Margo looks down and rubs her belly, so Jeff decides he’d better answer. “Not exactly any of those. Have you heard of CRISPer?” With that, he delivers a 10 minute dissertation onCRISPer and the ordeal they went through, followed by the explanation of the perfect operation.
Once he finished, Dr. Bellatini looks at both of them, with the sly look still on her face. “That is quite fascinating and futuristic. I look forward to seeing how Tinker “comes out”. We’ll have an ultrasound machine right in the delivery room, so we’ll keep an eye on those limbs as they fight their way out of the womb.”
Jeff and Margo look at each other inquisitively. Dr. Bellatini didn’t have very many questions, it seemed.
“I’ll leave you with a card from Dr. Hudini, who is the geneticist working with us. He said to call if you have any questions, concerns or would just like more information.”
Dr. Bellatini takes the card, gives it a reasonable consideration and then places it on her desk. “I will be sure to call him when I have a spare minute. But, at this time, it sounds like the baby is very healthy and ready to join your family.”
Dr. Bellatini walks them to the now deserted outer office. As they leave, they hear the doctor tell her receptionist, “Get that trickster Ken Keller on the phone. This coordinated prank is hilarious, and Jeff and Margo are great actors.”