Sad how well everyone got on in your absence
The only sadder thing would be if they didn't
After a long trip, only made worse by Jeff insisting that Margo use a wheelchair to navigate the airports, Jeff and Margo finally make it to San Diego. Here, Margo insists that she is walking out, and Jeff relents since the San Diego Airport could be navigated by a blind, lame drunk. They hop an Uber and head home.
As they approach home, Margo sees Pam Baker out with her dog Chester both still fat as uncooked meatballs. Of course, they aren’t walking; Mrs. Baker is just watching Chester slowly sniff his way around the hood. Margo waves, rolls down the window and hollers, “I am going to prescribe a treadmill for you two!” Pam snarls back and waves her way. Turning to Jeff, Margo asks, “If we assigned a Greyhound to Pam, would she get thin or would it get fat?” Jeff replies, “I assume that is a rhetorical question.”
Neighborhood kids are riding bikes in wet suits with surfboards under their arms. Margo wonders out loud, “If they had another arm, would they use it to put two hands on the handlebar?”
“That would certainly make us more comfortable, but they would probably use it to bring their guitars to the beach.”
“What would you do if you had an extra arm?” Margo asks the middle aged, male Uber driver.
Without hesitation, he says, “I would keep it a secret and use it to become a jewel thief.”
“Like Cary Grant’s cat burglar in “To Catch a Thief?” asks Jeff.
“Nothing that classy. I would just go into a jewelry store and with both my hands on the counter, grab some jewelry with the third hand.”
“Sounds like you’ve thought about this before.”
“Well, I wouldn’t waste it hanging wall paper! I always wondered why a guy with 3 arms would waste that gift on such a menial task.”
“Good point,” concedes Jeff.
As they pull up to the house, the kids run down from the porch and start jumping up and down before their parents can even emerge from the car. As soon as they retrieve their luggage, Jeff picks up Astrid, gives her a hug, places her on top of the rolling luggage and attempts to roll up the walkway. Austin grabs Margo around the legs, almost causing her to tip over. Gina opens the door and Budweiser tumbles out in hot pursuit, running circles around everyone as they approach the door.
“Mommy, DADDY! Are we really getting a little sister? Where is she? What are we going to call her?” asks Austin.
Without waiting to hear their answer, Astrid pipes in while pointing at her shoes, “Daddy, Mommy, look I tied these all by myself. Austin doesn’t need to help me at all anymore.” And then without even taking a breath, continues, “What did you bring us from India?”
“We are so happy to see you guys. We’ve missed you to death and back. First, lots of love and hugs and then we ‘ll unpack and show you what we ‘ve brought home for you,” says Jeff.
Reaching the door, Jeff hugs Gina and Margo tells her how surprised she is that the kids and animals survived and she looks no worse for the wear.
Gina replies, “the kids have been behaving fabulously well and you wouldn’t believe the entertainment Darwin and Budweiser have been providing. I’ll let Darwin out and you too can be regaled! “
Budweiser eagerly follows Gina as she heads to the washroom where Darwin has been temporarily jailed.
While Margo and Jeff look at each other inquisitively, Astrid helps clarify the surprise, “Daddy, Darwin grabs the fur under Budweiser’s belly and holds on like a little monkey while Budweiser runs around. See.” Astrid points to the area in front of the washroom where Darwin has just been released. Darwin dashes out of the door and immediately grabs at Budweiser’s underbelly while Budweiser stands there, allowing this breach of his sovereign territory. As soon as Darwin seems to have a good grip, Budweiser barrels around the room.
Margo exclaims, “Are you kidding me! How did this start?”
“One day they were snuggled together with Darwin’s feet in Bud’s belly. Then, when Budweiser stood up, Darwin just held on for life. Granddad thinks her claws were all tangled up. At first, Bud tried to throw her off, but pretty soon, Bud decided it was kind of fun,” says Austin.
Jeff walks towards Budweiser and grabs him by the collar. “What you got there, buddy?” He then looks down under Bud’s belly and sees the proud face of Darwin as she lets out a hello meow.
“I see you are getting the hang of the place, Darwin.” Darwin started moving around to the side, Margo thought to give Jeff a little kiss, but Jeff had other thoughts. “Maybe you are trying to make it on top?”
Jeff untangles Darwin, gives her a kiss and then places her on Budweiser’s back, where she appears very happy. Budweiser reacts by starting to spin around as if chasing his tail. Then, he gets up on his hind legs, while Darwin attempts to stay on, but then slips around to his underside and lands on the floor.
“Rodeo!” Gina laughs. “Budweiser is a pure breed bull and Darwin is quite the cowgirl. I think you two could have quite the YouTube sensation on your hand! But first, you two must be exhausted and starving. So, I cooked you some Indian food with Melatonin. “
As a look of pure disgust comes over Margo and Jeff’s faces, Willie comes down the stairs, in time for their rescue. “Don’t worry, she is very mild with her curries… Just kidding you! “
“Thank God!” says Margo. “I thought my olfactory senses were damaged!”
“I’ve put some good ole American casseroles in the frig and some brownies in the cupboard.” Says Gina. “Real brownies, well, except for the ones on the top shelf, in the red tin, which should help you get back to your normal sleeping patterns. My weed pharmacists say this is the perfect blend for pregnant woman.”
“Thanks Gina. I just might need a little of that,” says Margo. “What is the rule about pot and trimesters????”
“Jeff, I played some card games with the kids while you were gone,” said Willie. “You might need to work with them a bit. They don’t quite seem to have the right order of the Ace and the royal cards. I’ve been over it with them a few time. Not sure why they get so confused. “
“OK, dad, I wouldn’t want them to blow their college fund in a poker match. Now that we can move beyond the shoe tying phase, we can move on to gambling.”
Gina and Willie gathered their suitcase and started to head for the door.
“I am sorry the whole trip was a bust from the limbs perspective,” says Gina. “But I’m sure you’ll be fine with a normally conceived child. “
“Did we tell you that Cindy and her husband were over there getting the same operation? So, we’ll at least be able to watch a fifth limber grow up,” said Jeff.
“If it is that important to you, you can always have one more,” offered Gina somewhat timidly.
“Bite your tongue, woman!” said Gina. “I can’t believe I am having this one. You know they call me a geriatric patient? Although I do feel like one. I am heading to bed.” And with that Gina kisses them and Jeff grabs their luggage and walks them to the car.
At the car, Gina asks “Is she alright?”
“She’s fine.” Says Jeff. “We’ll be fine, honestly. We really hadn’t gotten THAT use to the idea. At least the visit with Best Engineering was successful.”
“Let’s hope so, Jeff. Otherwise, you’ll need to fall back on your pets’ UTubes,” says Willie.
As they drive away, Jeff thinks that perhaps the YouTube channel might work. How ironic to be saved by a three-legged cat!
